Arrogant Aristocrat

Lost

2008-12-19T21:35:00.000-08:00

Christmas is near and drama is a-cooking just like the lords are a-leaping. I had an entry in my mind just so I would be able to purge my anger but after feeding Brandy, my mind is completely blank. Oh the wonders of tending after someone who is actually grateful of you.

So now off to my stream of consciousness.

I've been piecing my life back together. I've acquired new friends like the quirky chiropractor who has become one of my best friends just because he's a great listener.

The lady and myself have been going through too many rough patches lately. We got back together after a long time apart. I know love is present in that relationship. I know we care about each other. What doesn't make sense to me is how much we've changed. We are completely different people. And ridiculous as it may be, I am still hurting over what happened.

No.

What's even more ridiculous is how faithful and devoted I've become. How is it that the one thing I thought I had truly going for me (above my looks and $) is the one thing that is sending me straight to hell? My fidelity is confused with lack of virility. I am being condemned and persecuted for loving one woman. Like the known method of Chinese torture where a continuous single drop of water falling on a rock makes a hole, I am cracking. I am getting angry and rebellious. I am beginning to not care about my beliefs and moral code. It all seems inconsequential and quite frankly, it makes me feel stuck.

Suddenly I think that I am missing my chances. The chances that come with being young and stupid. Who am I trying to impress by wanting stability and a woman by my side at such a young age? What am I trying to achieve by wanting to create a family so soon? Why am I limiting myself? When did I suddenly become boring, predictable?

The man I am is not enough. The man I have to be is my complete opposite but despite that, I am willing to become him. I am willing to sacrifice it all because what I have now means nothing. It's worthless. It's useless, just like my current personality. A group of dirty mongrels who leap in the air are by far more entertaining than I am at the moment. That's how horrible it really is.

I've lost it. I've lost me. I've lost my edge. I've lost my spark. I've lost everything.

Birthday

2008-09-30T22:57:00.000-07:00

Yay. Iz my birthday. Thanks to everyone who messaged me. I lurve u.

I drunk. Very.

Don't drink and dial. Or drink and drive. Or drink and... drink. I had about a gazillion of italian apple martinis and other fruity drinkies... the room is still spinning. Kyle outdid himself with liek... thiz cool, awesome cowboy saloon party. Girls were skanky cute and the men were all over them.

Lady friend had to drive my baby home because I could not even find my feet after my last drink.

I didn't even get to have my yummy smores cake Miss Bellay made. Le sigh.

I go hug John now.

Beach

2008-09-26T12:43:00.000-07:00

Yes, I'm still alive.

As it is tradition I went to visit my beautiful Italia in August. Nostalgia takes a hold of me whenever I am there. I miss the rustle and bustle of the Piazza Bernini. I miss the tinkling sound of the fountains and the freshness that comes with it. I miss the food. I REALLY MISS THE FOOD.

I've been a good jet setter boy, traveling to Las Vegas at the end of August and then just two days ago I had a whirlwind tour of the East Coast (New York, Philadelphia, Miami).

International Giovanni day is on Tuesday and my trusty little helpers (Kyle, Marie and maybe Katzereine Cil... and I think Caroline too) are doing their magic to make it memorable. Or at least really really fun. Knowing Kyle he is pushing for another belly-dance themed celebration. I just want to dance the night away, drink like Jack Sparrow and then spend the afternoon of the next day sleeping.

After my morning therapy session Dr. Stocker's kitty loss had me thinking about my babe. He's been by my side all this time and I haven't been able to properly thank him, except for the occasional treat. This Friday afternoon is Brandy and me time. We're going to the beach. The day is bright for once. He's been particularly clingy these few days since I haven't been around that much. I don't like him feeling neglected, chewing on my car key as a means of revenge.

Edit: 6:29 PM

The beach was breathtaking as always. I love it. I am gonna see if I can go again tomorrow and actually stay the night. It's been a while since I had a midnight swim. Brandy had a great time too. He chased after crabs like the world's balance depended on it. Thank the Lord he didn't catch any. His pretty nose would've turned into thinly sliced salami.

Just like his daddy, incredibly photogenic.

Tricycle

2008-07-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

"What... is this?"

The beat up 1993 blood red Volkswagen Cabriolet that tainted my immaculate driveway stared right at me. It's almost as if he knew. I had no idea what it was doing there considering all the cars I ever saw parked in that space were always in pristine condition. Not to mention they belonged to the 21st century. And not one of them had the bumper dangling.

"This is your new car." Mamma said as she took off her dark sunglasses. "Since you have such a wonderful time totalling all the other ones I buy, I think it was appropriate to find you one that didn't mind so much turning into recycables." Her lips curled into a smile.

I looked at her, dumbfounded. You would think that after 20 therapy sessions with an unstable shrink would give my mother peace of mind or at least get her to forgive me for destroying my car. I should've remembered she's Sicilian. And Sicilians never forgive, much less forget.

"Mamma, I can't be seen driving this. It's emasculating! It's like running all over town naked. It pleads for people to throw food at me. Besides, papa wouldn't agree."

Sure it was a bit dirty to bring up my dead father on the eve of yet another morose Father's Day but maybe that way she ought to put into perspective just how WRONG this car was for me and my decaying reputation. She patted my shoulder then gave it a tight squeeze that practically cut out my circulation.

"Your papa would have given you a tricycle."

Disconnecting

2008-07-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

I am at the Ritz-Carlton hotel right now in Miami after a very long, hard day. It's been a while since I was unable to feel my feet even after my chiropractor took care of it. Now Dr. Arias is safely being flown back to his house after he took care of all my bodily aches. I definitely needed some pulling and cracking. It's addicting. And even after all this time Dr. Weiss still refuses to treat me.

Everything here is a culinary experience for me which according to the break up book I bought (and LEFT), it's a good thing. They say that when one goes through such a changing experience in their life, they change their eating habits. I am oriented towards the whole Thai, Chinese, Japanese fusion foods. My doctor's oriental influence has slowly started to penetrate my Italian wall. He even invited me to one of his favorite restaurants here. It's called Moon and it's great. Thanks to them I am now fully addicted to Iced Green Tea! (not only because it's green mind you) and funky Asian music too.

After that it was business as usual in our lawyer's office along with Vincenzo. They have a killer view of the bay, which is not strange considering how much they charge. It still amazes me that after all these years, a conference room still makes me yawn in a continuous motion. Four walls, big table and a phone. Drives me insane. I need color and brightness and people. But back to the view, I loved it. Looking down at all the boats and the little people flailing about with megaphones because Citibank did something to them and the busy intersections just gives me a sense of peace. A sense of connection.

We left the office pretty late and headed towards Merrick Park to do some shopping. I just don't understand how I could've let this much time pass without using my poor credit card, my real gf. She has been missing me all this time and wasn't talking to me much but after today's spree (Coach (bag for mom), Longchamps (another bag for mom), Torneau (did I mention I am addicted to watches?), Godiva (SMORES!SMORES!), Williams Sonoma (I really do think that kitchen set will look good on your house Dr. Stocker), Hugo Boss (Julian needed shirts I swear!) and finally Borders (I needed to get back on my reading)) we are definitely in good terms. :D

I learned today that I should be kept away from stores with discounts and cheap prices. I bought an excessive amount of stuff from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Like excessive. Like I will have to mail half the crap in various box by an airline or something. My favorite purchase right now of what I have unearthed, a CD of Italian classics centered in Tuscany (which is my favorite region of all Italy).

After such a trek, I was hungry again and I wanted pizza. But not cardboard pizza. Good, cheesy, thin, REAL pizza. So we went to this little place called The Big Cheese. Apparently it's also a college hangout because of all the 'Canes paraphernalia and the Ms. Pacman game. Pizza was delicious... but a bit overpriced in my opinion. It was really, really good though.

Truth be told I am beat to a pulp but now I am getting ready to go to the Opium Garden in Miami Beach. Cousins want me to invest + have fun. Sounds fairly good to me.

EMA

2008-07-08T21:40:00.001-07:00

This may be the solution to all my problems :o

...I am OBVIOUSLY joking. Got you worried huh Kyle? ;)

Thinking

2008-07-08T21:36:00.000-07:00

Too much of it can be damaging to the soul. If only I could stop it.

Reflections

2008-07-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

Denial really isn't only a river in Egypt.

I am submerged in complete and utter denial from day one. Knowing myself enough, I went ahead and did the unthinkable for a guy. I purchased a break-up book. Yes. I purchased a break-up book. How to Heal a Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Good-bye and Getting On With Your Life by Howard Bronson and Mike Riley to be exact. Out of all the pink covered, girly choices this one seemed the most mature and sexless of Amazon.com's picks. And right there is a clear sexist market. As if guys don't experience broken hearts and don't think of forevers. I am not in the market to have a crappy life after a life changing experience.

Life has these weird moments were it comes and bites you in the ass. It makes you do really stupid things and act in really immature ways. I fucked it all up in less than a week because I am not really ready to let go. It's no longer a choice of mine to do so though so I am biting my bullet. When your life begins to change right before your eyes, you panic. You do desperate things to make sure that some part of it stays the same. You want comfort and familiarity and no price will ever be too high. So in some aspects, I am not perfect and I am not whole.

She was a force of nature in my life. She was my love, my lungs, my life. So someone that important is never easy to let go... even if DEEP DEEP DOWN you know it's for the best. You know that codependency isn't love.

I've been trying my best to follow the rules in the book but as soon as I put it down I start feeling I made a mistake buying this... and an even bigger mistake telling Kyle about it. He goes through extraordinary lengths to make sure I keep my word. He needs to know that I am a man of a fickle nature. I want it all and I want it now.

Fix You by Coldplay is my current life-song. It's not angry enough but the lyrics reflect what I've been feeling since it started. Something within me is asking, pleading for a light that guides me home.

Why do we rely on other people? What is it about other human beings that magnetically pulls us and rids us of our reason? At times I wonder why something so dangerous like 'love' exists and why it's such a high for me. I do want to live my life, enjoy my youth, do crazy things... but I want certain people there with me as I continue down the road.

Yes, sometimes it does seem too much to ask. I am leaving on a jet plane tomorrow. Hopefully this will clear my head a bit more. Miami does that to you.

Love

2008-07-02T20:47:00.000-07:00

You took it all for granted.

Hospital

2008-06-30T19:09:00.000-07:00

I am at the hospital. Still. My brain is no longer swelling which is good. My arms don't hurt if I limit mobility. My mother swallowed me alive then cried on my shoulder, making me swear I would never ever be this stupid again.

Last night/this morning was definitely the worst night ever in my life but I made it out alive. I am just sorry my doctor got royally fucked over in my impromptu catharsis. He's better than I am so that evens it out. It's the drugs talking right now. Thanks to all that have visited/sent flowers/wanted to kill me... all demonstrations of affection, no matter how painful, are deeply appreciated. I really am grounded forever (or at least until my mother deems me not insane) so as Kyle says, he's going to have full access to my babies. I'll stick to my chauffer driven mobile.

I am really tired. I am really mad too but I am really thankful to God. I am thankful I made it in one piece. I am thankful I am going into hiatus. I am thankful that I am going into deep, intensive recovery therapy where all this crap is going to leave me and I can recover my life, my existence... the real me. Not the sorry ass that is occupying my body. I am just thankful...

Grazie tutti.

Tequila

2008-06-28T14:38:00.000-07:00

My head is bursting from a headache. That's what a night-in with Kyle does to you. We had a serious long talk and he says he wants that to become a habit of ours. I agree, just you know, less alcohol on the side. He made eggs. They are still trying to suck out all the alcohol in my system :p

Wall-E is in theaters. I want to go see it but I am not entirely sure I want to go with a throng of people. It's Sassy Saturday, my phone has been ringing off the hook since last night but I am not in the mood to pick it up. Sorry guys. I am being told not to rush this... I just want to feel fine again and being with lots of people just doesn't feel the most comfortable right now. Kyle will do. And Carol too, whenever she manages to appear.

Mom has noticed something's up. I just skidded around it. I think the subject has been talked to death.

I'm thinking of her. Actively. Everything else that I try to type after this makes me feel stupid and exposed. My head is still reeling from those shots and all I really want to do is sleep. It's barely been 48hrs but it feels like months have gone by. Even if my feet are not off the ground... at least I am looking up.

Over

2008-06-27T00:04:00.000-07:00

We broke up.

It’s not the first time this happens. It just brings back all that washed up baggage so it gets me angry. She has every right to do her thing, to find herself and go through a healthy process of blossoming. Constriction and repression have gone far enough and it’s time she breaks free.

But that little child that lives deep down within me is asking, "why do I have to go for the ride? Why do I have to be fucked over by life in order to learn? why do I have to be left alone?" Now everything is in the hands of fate whilst clinging on the whims of 'IF'. Hm. It's always me getting dumped by her. Do you see a pattern?

Oh.

Firsts

2008-06-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

A night of many firsts. The first time I went to bed without supper. The first time I went to sleep with the lights ablaze in my room. The first time I really wondered why am I really here. And to me the most disheartening of all, the first time she ever felt completely foreign to me. I couldn't read her, I couldn't see through her and I am almost sure she couldn't see me. I've never worked well on assumptions so I don't plan on starting today. I can only hope that her love for me is unchanged during all this time.

This brings me pain.

In the spirit of self-discovery, I took the archetype test and as clockwork I am left confused. I answered them honestly without even trying to disguise my true feelings in goodwill or anything like that.

The Innocent
The Magician
The Lover

...what does that even mean? o_o

I'm changing and I am afraid. Nothing can stop this now. I'm scared of the process going on within me. I'm scared of the millions of millions of cans of worms that I have yet to open and face. I've never been afraid of taking the first step. So why now? Why this moment? Why does this task seem so daunting? Why do I want to stay behind?

I suppose it's one of the few times in my life where I've felt truly alone. No one there to hold my hand or be my pillar. I've grown codependent and now my thick red strings are being turned into nothing but dental floss. As many have said, I cannot breathe without her. It's true. Completely and utterly true... which is why it hurts. This pain doesn't know limit or end.

Now I have to learn. I have to be my own person. What's worse people might have to get to know me all over again and now they'll pass judgement, they'll decide who stays and who goes.

I've been lucky this far. My father, my mother, my best friend, my lover... they have all been there for me. Now, it's only my faithful dog and myself. Only he can't accompany me in conversation but he'll be there by my side, when my budding insanity wants to take over, he'll ground me. Even if he could never understand it, he'll stay by me. Leaving me has never been an option and even if to some he's just an animal, I am infinitely thankful for his existence. My happifying dose of Brandy.

I know I can make it though. In what state though?

Tiramisu

2008-06-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

I know that I am supposed to purge all my insecurities unto fake internet paper and then be happy that it's out there, not in me. This has taken over two whole days to do. This is what I am supposed to do. Yet all I can think about is tiramisu. Yes, it can be both applied to the term 'pick me up' and the dessert. Though, I am leaning more towards the dessert part. I really love tiramisu, especially after the savoiardi has been added a touch of brandy along with the expresso. I love it in all it's variations but you'll be hard pressed to find anything that I don't like. Food-wise. And in life too!

I am the man that falls in love, that sings when he's happy and that is always with a wide smile on his face. I live my life to the fullest and I am not ashamed of it. I enjoy being playful and wicked. I've made a resolution to not lead a boring life. I want to absorb everything this world has to offer. Culture, music, food, sex, laughter, experience...

I've had plenty of reasons to lose faith and hope. The untimely death of my father, the increasing paranoia of a possible betrayal within my own family... you see, I don't even like talking about this. I feel uncomfortable thinking about my misfortunes or shortcomings. That's not what life is about. It's not about complaining or bellyaching. It's about squeezing it for all it's worth. It's about not letting opportunities go by. It's about living without regret and knowing when to apologize when you've made a mistake. We're not perfect. We're not made of stone. We need each other. I believe that there is no pain that one can withstand forever. I believe that we need each other to survive. A door closes but a window opens. I really believe that.

Though lately things have been different. It's something I don't want to face or acknowledge. I don't like admitting that I have a problem even if everything points to it's existence. I am the type of person that ignores the issue. After enough time goes by, it just goes away like a cloud or a gas. This just doesn't leave. It stays within me, twisting and invading my personality until I start become someone I don't recognize. But I don't want to disappear. I don't want to become a memory. I don't want to be bitter, cynical or angry. Everyone else already is. Happy people are a dying breed. Everyone seems intent on being the rebel that lifts the big finger and fucks over the world for all the lemons it was thrown. Whatever happened to making the best out of each situation? It's just selfish to believe that you're the only one going through pain. Grieve then let it go.

I wish the events that led up to this happening could just be discarded as a bad memory or a mistake. I thought I could do that. I thought I could forgive and forget.

I can't. I want to but I can't.

My confidence, my beliefs are badly shaken... I just don't know where to go. I don't know how to face myself or my friends. I didn't know that this would happen to me. I didn't expect it. I didn't want it.

But here I am. All I wish to know is what can I do. So yes, I guess I could still use a little tiramisu.

Ciao

2008-06-23T09:22:00.000-07:00

My name is Giovanni Milazzo. Well, it's Giovanni Marco Antonio Augusto Beniamino Flavio Milazzo to be exact. It has a certain pzazz, doesn't it? Or at least I think so. I am sure you will remember me for it. I am Sicilian (not a thug though) with a big family and I like to cook on the rare occassion. I'm really, really friendly and I find it annoying that it's hard for me to communicate it via internet. I'd overuse the exclamation marks. (!) And it'd be kind of annoying for you to read :p

I have grown some trust issues (like potatos) and I was told that this would help get rid of them. So I am going to keep this until I am cured. Who knew that blogging was healing? Wow, that sounds like a bumper sticker.