Lost

Christmas is near and drama is a-cooking just like the lords are a-leaping. I had an entry in my mind just so I would be able to purge my anger but after feeding Brandy, my mind is completely blank. Oh the wonders of tending after someone who is actually grateful of you.

So now off to my stream of consciousness.

I've been piecing my life back together. I've acquired new friends like the quirky chiropractor who has become one of my best friends just because he's a great listener.

The lady and myself have been going through too many rough patches lately. We got back together after a long time apart. I know love is present in that relationship. I know we care about each other. What doesn't make sense to me is how much we've changed. We are completely different people. And ridiculous as it may be, I am still hurting over what happened.

No.

What's even more ridiculous is how faithful and devoted I've become. How is it that the one thing I thought I had truly going for me (above my looks and $) is the one thing that is sending me straight to hell? My fidelity is confused with lack of virility. I am being condemned and persecuted for loving one woman. Like the known method of Chinese torture where a continuous single drop of water falling on a rock makes a hole, I am cracking. I am getting angry and rebellious. I am beginning to not care about my beliefs and moral code. It all seems inconsequential and quite frankly, it makes me feel stuck.

Suddenly I think that I am missing my chances. The chances that come with being young and stupid. Who am I trying to impress by wanting stability and a woman by my side at such a young age? What am I trying to achieve by wanting to create a family so soon? Why am I limiting myself? When did I suddenly become boring, predictable?

The man I am is not enough. The man I have to be is my complete opposite but despite that, I am willing to become him. I am willing to sacrifice it all because what I have now means nothing. It's worthless. It's useless, just like my current personality. A group of dirty mongrels who leap in the air are by far more entertaining than I am at the moment. That's how horrible it really is.

I've lost it. I've lost me. I've lost my edge. I've lost my spark. I've lost everything.

Birthday

Yay. Iz my birthday. Thanks to everyone who messaged me. I lurve u.

I drunk. Very.

Don't drink and dial. Or drink and drive. Or drink and... drink. I had about a gazillion of italian apple martinis and other fruity drinkies... the room is still spinning. Kyle outdid himself with liek... thiz cool, awesome cowboy saloon party. Girls were skanky cute and the men were all over them.

Lady friend had to drive my baby home because I could not even find my feet after my last drink.

I didn't even get to have my yummy smores cake Miss Bellay made. Le sigh.

I go hug John now.

Beach

Yes, I'm still alive.

As it is tradition I went to visit my beautiful Italia in August. Nostalgia takes a hold of me whenever I am there. I miss the rustle and bustle of the Piazza Bernini. I miss the tinkling sound of the fountains and the freshness that comes with it. I miss the food. I REALLY MISS THE FOOD.

I've been a good jet setter boy, traveling to Las Vegas at the end of August and then just two days ago I had a whirlwind tour of the East Coast (New York, Philadelphia, Miami).

International Giovanni day is on Tuesday and my trusty little helpers (Kyle, Marie and maybe Katzereine Cil... and I think Caroline too) are doing their magic to make it memorable. Or at least really really fun. Knowing Kyle he is pushing for another belly-dance themed celebration. I just want to dance the night away, drink like Jack Sparrow and then spend the afternoon of the next day sleeping.

After my morning therapy session Dr. Stocker's kitty loss had me thinking about my babe. He's been by my side all this time and I haven't been able to properly thank him, except for the occasional treat. This Friday afternoon is Brandy and me time. We're going to the beach. The day is bright for once. He's been particularly clingy these few days since I haven't been around that much. I don't like him feeling neglected, chewing on my car key as a means of revenge.

Edit: 6:29 PM

The beach was breathtaking as always. I love it. I am gonna see if I can go again tomorrow and actually stay the night. It's been a while since I had a midnight swim. Brandy had a great time too. He chased after crabs like the world's balance depended on it. Thank the Lord he didn't catch any. His pretty nose would've turned into thinly sliced salami.



Just like his daddy, incredibly photogenic.

Tricycle

"What... is this?"

The beat up 1993 blood red Volkswagen Cabriolet that tainted my immaculate driveway stared right at me. It's almost as if he knew. I had no idea what it was doing there considering all the cars I ever saw parked in that space were always in pristine condition. Not to mention they belonged to the 21st century. And not one of them had the bumper dangling.

"This is your new car." Mamma said as she took off her dark sunglasses. "Since you have such a wonderful time totalling all the other ones I buy, I think it was appropriate to find you one that didn't mind so much turning into recycables." Her lips curled into a smile.

I looked at her, dumbfounded. You would think that after 20 therapy sessions with an unstable shrink would give my mother peace of mind or at least get her to forgive me for destroying my car. I should've remembered she's Sicilian. And Sicilians never forgive, much less forget.

"Mamma, I can't be seen driving this. It's emasculating! It's like running all over town naked. It pleads for people to throw food at me. Besides, papa wouldn't agree."

Sure it was a bit dirty to bring up my dead father on the eve of yet another morose Father's Day but maybe that way she ought to put into perspective just how WRONG this car was for me and my decaying reputation. She patted my shoulder then gave it a tight squeeze that practically cut out my circulation.

"Your papa would have given you a tricycle."

Disconnecting

I am at the Ritz-Carlton hotel right now in Miami after a very long, hard day. It's been a while since I was unable to feel my feet even after my chiropractor took care of it. Now Dr. Arias is safely being flown back to his house after he took care of all my bodily aches. I definitely needed some pulling and cracking. It's addicting. And even after all this time Dr. Weiss still refuses to treat me.

Everything here is a culinary experience for me which according to the break up book I bought (and LEFT), it's a good thing. They say that when one goes through such a changing experience in their life, they change their eating habits. I am oriented towards the whole Thai, Chinese, Japanese fusion foods. My doctor's oriental influence has slowly started to penetrate my Italian wall. He even invited me to one of his favorite restaurants here. It's called Moon and it's great. Thanks to them I am now fully addicted to Iced Green Tea! (not only because it's green mind you) and funky Asian music too.

After that it was business as usual in our lawyer's office along with Vincenzo. They have a killer view of the bay, which is not strange considering how much they charge. It still amazes me that after all these years, a conference room still makes me yawn in a continuous motion. Four walls, big table and a phone. Drives me insane. I need color and brightness and people. But back to the view, I loved it. Looking down at all the boats and the little people flailing about with megaphones because Citibank did something to them and the busy intersections just gives me a sense of peace. A sense of connection.

We left the office pretty late and headed towards Merrick Park to do some shopping. I just don't understand how I could've let this much time pass without using my poor credit card, my real gf. She has been missing me all this time and wasn't talking to me much but after today's spree (Coach (bag for mom), Longchamps (another bag for mom), Torneau (did I mention I am addicted to watches?), Godiva (SMORES!SMORES!), Williams Sonoma (I really do think that kitchen set will look good on your house Dr. Stocker), Hugo Boss (Julian needed shirts I swear!) and finally Borders (I needed to get back on my reading)) we are definitely in good terms. :D

I learned today that I should be kept away from stores with discounts and cheap prices. I bought an excessive amount of stuff from Bed, Bath and Beyond. Like excessive. Like I will have to mail half the crap in various box by an airline or something. My favorite purchase right now of what I have unearthed, a CD of Italian classics centered in Tuscany (which is my favorite region of all Italy).

After such a trek, I was hungry again and I wanted pizza. But not cardboard pizza. Good, cheesy, thin, REAL pizza. So we went to this little place called The Big Cheese. Apparently it's also a college hangout because of all the 'Canes paraphernalia and the Ms. Pacman game. Pizza was delicious... but a bit overpriced in my opinion. It was really, really good though.

Truth be told I am beat to a pulp but now I am getting ready to go to the Opium Garden in Miami Beach. Cousins want me to invest + have fun. Sounds fairly good to me.

EMA

This may be the solution to all my problems :o

...I am OBVIOUSLY joking. Got you worried huh Kyle? ;)

Thinking

Too much of it can be damaging to the soul. If only I could stop it.